What no one wants to talk about. 

It’s early February, a time I usually feel a bit of excitement.  Firstly the beginning signs of spring to come with purple locusts creeping out from the ground surrounded by scattered snow bits that have slightly melted.  Secondly, I knew my birthday was not too far around the corner.  This brought me more anxiety than excitement.

    

This year I had a new weight on my shoulders.  One that I couldn’t of predicted. I went to Walgreens January 15th after feeling nauseous for days and got the cheap test with lines it was inconclusive ( apparently they have a 1 star review) .  The feelings worsened, and I knew I was pregnant.  I bought the expensive one that said YES or NO, I needed it to be clear.  Two min later the big YES in red appeared before my eyes. 

I wasn’t 15 but I felt as though I were.  I barely had my mental state intact after our move which costed us a lot more than we anticipated.  I wasn’t prepared to have a child. It was a heavy choice to make to keep it or terminate it, especially at an age when you “should” be ready.  We toyed with the idea of keeping it, but the reality was, I didn’t want us to struggle more than we already were and put more strain on our relationship.  It would be up to him to work and me to raise the child and that’s not how I envisioned our lives together.  The whole point of moving to New Orleans was to have space, to have time, to create and pursue our passions.  We had barely lived there for 3 months.  (I feel like I am still justifying my decision.)

On January 30th I had a surgical abortion.  It was the most surreal and difficult decision I have ever made in my life.  The reality was that I had $183.91 in my bank account, no job, and great boyfriend who just got a bartending gig but hadn’t received his 1st paycheck yet.  It didn’t make sense to bring a child into this world under those stressful circumstances.

I am 4 days in recovery of the surgical abortion, and I have never felt so emotional. ( and believe me, I have had my moment.) It has been more psychologically painful than physical pain.  The first day I was accompanied by my mom and girlfriend and I felt relief.  I had made a decision! I could feel that “it” was gone and the sedative made me rather silly and hungry.  As the day ended and my friend left, the sedation wore off completely, the sadness began to grow inside me.  I was alone again.  I had felt like I had a little spirit with me when I was pregnant.  A being that I was starting to become one with.  I now felt that presence gone.  I believe that, that sadden me the most. 

The 2nd day I think the drop in hormones really did a number on me.  I was angry. Like next level angry.  My boyfriend was still in New Orleans, since he had to work.  I think I messaged him 25 text messages telling him I wished all his hair would fall out.  I had also told him to find a new girlfriend because we had screwed everything up.  I didn’t want to see his face.  A part of me was so angry that he couldn’t feel any of the emotions I was dealing with. It’s a death, regardless of your view points on abortion, but psychologically you go through the 5 stages.  Even if it’s a decision you know is right for you, the aftermath is a storm that you can only shield your self with love and compassion.  Let your self cry, let yourself feel but also apologize to some of the people you end up erupting in hormonal angst. 

Writing this gave me an outlet to see my thoughts. I would suggest this to anyone going through this process. 

Always remember we are women, strong, responsible, and we can endure almost anything.      

As a side note,  the reason I didn’t have the abortion in Louisiana was that my insurance was still based in NY. I was told that federal/state funded insurances didn’t cover abortions so I flew back to NY.  Then the day of my first appointment I got a call, literally 2 hours before my appointment telling me that my insurance wouldn’t cover it.  My mother told me not to worry and she covered the costs. I was lucky, but to those who don’t have funding always double check. 

  (Louisiana does have a program that provides abortion services but you have to be a resident, for anyone reading this who is a Louisiana resident)