We were so excited, we told our immediate family that weekend. Something I would never change. Then I called the doctor and they set up the appointment for Week 8 – 4 weeks away. These four weeks were quite the adjustment, I was nauseous and had very odd cravings. The pickles and ice cream was a real thing. Finally the 8 Week appointment rolled around and we got to see our little Baby Bean on the monitor. At that point we were told we were a low risk pregnancy and had nothing to worry about. So we continued our lives and decided to do an announcement the weekend before Thanksgiving. After all I had a tiny belly starting to show and I couldn’t pretend to not be drinking for no reason through the holidays. Everyone we knew was so excited!

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving rolls around and we go to a 12 week appointment. The ultrasound tech was very quiet and after what felt like no time we were done and sent to a room to wait to see the doctor. After what seemed like hours, we were taken to her office and she told us that there was something that looked off with the baby’s brain and it isn’t something they see very often. She had set up an appointment with a specialist for the next morning. This meeting was the first time we were told that they want to check the fetus viability.

Tuesday was filled with many Google searches that showed that basically if there was an issue at this point, things didn’t look good. Needless to say my hubby and I were not going to cook dinner so we went to the local Chinese restaurant and to be on the safe side made sure to not eat any raw fish. I spent the whole night tossing and turning as I had no idea what to think or do. What did I do if the baby didn’t look right? Maybe the machine was acting up and nothing was wrong? Maybe everything is okay? What if I have to decide the worse?

Wednesday morning came and I was stuck at home watching the chimney repair men work. I should be prepping the house for the Thanksgiving I am supposed to be hosting the next day, but my heart knows that isn’t happening.

Hubby finally got home from work and we head off to the specialist at the hospital. Here I got another ultrasound. And the tech, with little bedside manners, is like ‘oh I see what they are talking about’. Both hubby and I are like ‘well, what’s wrong? We haven’t been given any diagnosis other than something looks off.’ She then explained that while the baby’s brain was there, there is no skull covering it. This should have developed by this point. The baby is also measuring smaller than it should be.

Tears. Tears and more tears.

Then the doctor came in. And if I ever meet anyone more rude and insensitive in my life I will be surprise. As I am still lying on the table crying, baby visible on the screen, he tells me it doesn’t look good. The baby has a neural tube defect called Acrania. Its not a genetic disorder and rarely happens. But the one thing is it has a 100% mortality rate if the baby survives through gestation and birth.

But he can’t do anything else, so they call my doctors office and set up an appointment for that afternoon to discuss my options. By the time we get to the car we have agreed that we cannot in good faith carry this baby into the world to watch it struggle at life and be destined to die.

While we waited between appointments, we updated our moms and made the decision to cancel Thanksgiving that we were hosting the next day. Thankfully our family all understood this decision.

We sit in the waiting room at my OBGYN for no time before we are whisked back to a room. The doctor came in and was so kind. She told us the news again and asked how we were feeling. Then she went into our options: 1 – carry the baby to term which might result in a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or death shortly after birth; 2 – use medicine at home to terminate the pregnancy; or 3 – have a D&C procedure done.

Woah. Well to me option 2 seemed like the best. Closer to naturally miscarrying without the surgery. Plus we could do it at home over this long weekend. So she sent my prescription to the local pharmacy and we went and picked it up. Along with a big box of pads and some junk food.

I won’t go deep into details but I took the prescription that evening and by breakfast time the next morning my body had been through the worse part and almost everything had passed.

Here’s where my story leave the norm. After the pills I should have been clear of any products of conception and when I went back to the doctor should have been told to let my body heal.

But I still had retained products of conception. Basically a little piece of placenta is still attached. So I have opted to try the medication method one more time before going in for a D&C. Of course I seemed to be stubborn, and the D&C was scheduled the Thursday before Christmas.

I am 1 in 3. My baby was wanted and loved. I would never change my actions, we chose abortion so that our baby wouldn’t have to suffer.